Sunday, May 13

the north star

and now for the requisite mother's day post. you know i'm required to have one, being a mother and all.

instead of talking about my awesome little girl, i'd like to take a moment and thank my awesome mom. she is my best friend, and even though i have a lot of very dear friends, my mom is the one person that i go to about everything. well, aside from spencer.

i am only beginning to be aware of the sacrifices she made for us, for me, so we could have what seemed like an idyllic childhood. life wasn't perfect by any stretch, and we faced some hard times as a family. and even though i never knew it then, mom was a rock for us. i never realized how much work goes into keeping a house clean, dinner on the table, homeschooling the kids, and still finding time to bake cookies for us, just because. or go to the beach under the guise of learning about animals, or environments, or whatever label mom gave our seaside education. she was involved in every part of our lives, and never seemed to sway under the weight of the thing she took on. when i was in high school, mom was a little more involved in ryan and marlene's schooling, mostly because in high school, we didn't have room moms. but mom still kept up with me, my life, my friends, even when i didn't want her to. and when i pierced my lip 10 years ago, somehow, mom found out, even though i only had it in at school. and when i put it back in, once again, only at school, mom found out. it's amazing to me, all the work that went into making us responsible (i'm the least responsible of the three, but it's not mom's fault. i blame dad. {ha!} but we'll save that post for father's day.) caring adults.

i went through a rebellious phase, like all good teenagers do, and of course, who did i blame for everything wrong in my life? mom. there was a typical generational disconnect about music and culture, that i'm sure i'll go through with zoe. we went through some heinous fights, and certainly didn't see eye to eye on much of anything. but mom changed. something made her realize what it was that would break through to me. even though she didn't really care for the music i listened to, or the punk clothes i insisted on wearing, she loaded me and my friends up in the station wagon, and took us all over atlanta to shows. when she showed me that she may not have cared for the music i listened to because of the music itself but that she cared about what i cared about, our relationship changed. suddenly, mom wasn't the enemy. i didn't feel like i was an outsider anymore, struggling to gain my parent's approval.

she has showed me love in ways that i am only beginning to understand the labor involved. sometimes, love isn't having a freshly baked plate of cookies every day after school. (although there were many days with cookies.) love often has to get into the trenches, and say "i love you, and i'm not going to let you fall. regardless of what i have to do, you're coming out of this." and
for that, i am grateful. for all of my life, i have enjoyed the benefits of a mother who understands love in the trenches. and one day, i hope i can show my children the same kind of sacrifice.

mom, you've been there for me, loved me when i didn't deserve it, when i didn't act grateful, when i blamed you for my own mistakes. you've been my north star, helping point me in the path i should walk on, and helped me up when i strayed too far away from where i should be. i love you mom. thank you.

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