textual update, no pics yet

it's been nearly a month, but with school starting, and trying to get everything worked out for the fall, i've been really busy. i have an empty fridge, and no shopping list to fill it. which is pretty unusual for me.

i only have a few snippets of zoë to share, since i haven't really been taking pictures.

right now, she's siting in her high chair, under the guise of eating lunch, telling me "no check the email. no silly girl. no drinking coffee, drink tea. papa take a shower, papa take a nap. BEAR! chicken! shopping. juice! juice! baby eat chicken?no aunt shelly. no plate." and this was all in the last 2 minutes.

she's a ridiculously verbal little girl, and she's very fond of repeating whatever we say to her, with the word "no" in front of it.

she's got a big girl bed now, and so far so good. she stays in bed at night, and naptimes got moved later so she's actually tired enough to stay in bed. for the first 30 minutes or so of nye-night time, we have to go in, and put her back in bed, but it's usually only twice a night she's up playing before going to sleep.

alternating our schedule has been interesting, as i'm not a morning person by any stretch. my english lit class starts at 8, which means i'm up by 7 and out the door by 7:30. on the weekends i stay up way too late, and have to drink copious amounts of coffee to survive the class. spencer's enjoying most of his classes, although he's taking more hours than i am, and is feeling the intensity a bit more acutely.

i have a portfolio review coming up for UGA, to get into the art program this fall. i'm dreading it, to say the least. i think i've always been convinced that everyone else was a better artist than i, and it makes me not even want to make the attempt out of fear. but i can't ignore the Lord telling me to do this... whatever comes, i just want to say i obeyed.

i've got to draw a self portrait, and i'm not sure if i'm up for the task. you're hearing my myriad insecurities over my ability and talent, but i'm sure it's going to be fine in the end. i just need to be less afraid.

we're pretty settled into the house. the only thing left to work out is how to store the huge amount of books we own. we've got three bookshelves right now in the living room, but it's not enough. which is frustrating, since we really can't figure out where we could fit any others.

i have a english paper to write this weekend, but i'll try to get pictures taken... i need to charge the camera batteries, but i don't want to deprive anyone of their zoë fix. she's a sweet bundle of crazy, and she's so vocal. i wish she didn't clam up on the phone so badly.

long overdue, but no pictures.

when i was a freshman in high school, gawky, and strangely self assured, i ran on the track team. i wasn't really all that good, but i loved being part of a team, and competing against myself. because i really wasn't good enough to win any of the heats i ran in. one day stands out to me more than any other. we were running another meet, and i was running in the 100 meter dash. i wasn't even running the best heat, i was more in the "they're faster than walking, but not really our fastest runners" division. i remember the track, warm from the hot georgia sun, under my fingers. the anticipation in my legs as i got into the starting position, and then the gun. that day, i felt like i really was running. not just showing up for practice and hoping i could do the long jump instead. that day, it was like i felt it. a chance at winning. we sprinted down the track, a flurry of arms, legs and ponytails in the bright sunlight. i was in the 3rd lane from the inside, a decent starting position. and i couldn't see anyone in front of me. in a second of lapsed judgement, while running as fast as my legs would carry me, i looked to my left. and in that second, instead of taking 2nd place, i fell into 4th. i remember my coach telling me to quit looking at the other runners, later, once it was too late to apply the lesson. i had actually had a chance at coming in 2nd, maybe even 1st if i had pushed harder. but instead, i looked behind me.

i'm still that runner. still that foolish girl who looks at the places i was, the person i was, the person i was becoming, instead of looking at where i'm going. who i am. who i'm becoming.

i made myself a cup of hot tea this morning, and noticed we were out of half and half. i had a tiny bit of heavy cream left from a butter making experiment, so i added it to my tea. black tea, heavy cream, and raw sugar, suddenly became a steaming cup of chai in a blistering apartment in the backstreets of a sikh neighborhood in new delhi. the taste was so similar, the smell so much like the tea we drank then. and i felt this indescribable longing for the person i once was. when i was so sure of my path, and who i was going to be. i don't entirely like the path i've had to walk, and the person i've become while walking it. i don't feel like i'm running anymore. more like i'm just showing up to practice, and hoping not to get picked for any meets. because i can't run at all. i'm wandering the track, wishing someone would show me my lane. hoping not to get disqualified if i wander into someone else's lane. hoping the coach won't notice my longing to leave, and yet my overwhelming desire to run again keeps me here.

i'm about to register for classes at UGA. 10 years after graduating high school. and in many ways, i knew who i was more than i do now. i'm faltering in this journey, not because of hardship, but because of the lack of trials to focus on. i don't know which direction to go, and i wish i was the person i used to be. because who i am right now, was never what i wanted. i want to have passion back. to actually want to show up and run, instead of slinking into the back row of the bleachers, hoping not to get asked to sprint. i'm asking God who i'm supposed to be. because i don't know anymore. when i was a fresh faced girl, stepping off that plane in a hot new delhi night, i knew what i wanted. more than anything, i wanted to be there. i never wanted to leave the adventure of seeing God move in the earth. and i did anyway. 10 years later, i have many joys, and many regrets. and i'm tired of regretting things. i'm tired of wishing i had made better choices, wishing i had never strayed from the call i thought i heard so clearly. and not knowing how to answer the call i hear again. i hear Him calling me, to come up from the desert, and find Him. in the process, i'm hoping i'll find myself again. and find the strength to run.

in honor of another cool clear sunny day, we went for a walk yesterday. well, zoë went for a run, and we walked swiftly behind her yelling "zoë, come back! stay on the path! don't touch that, it's yucky!" and things like that. it was fun.

i'm about to pop round to the grocery store, but i thought you might want to see the results of the first sunny day in 2 weeks... or at least that's how it feels. it's been raining off and on for days, and i think we were all getting stir crazy. zoë relishes playing outside, and believe me, there have been not a few tears shed in the attempts to get outside. so today, at long last, she was able to run around in the sun. it was cool, breezy and perfect. i wish the weather was like this year round. it hardly feels like mid may, and it scares me a little. if the weather is this lovely, then what sort of awful summer are we headed for? hopefully not. dear Lord, hopefully not.

a little behind

nothing better than strawberries right off the vine. or plant.

looking pretty pleased with herself.

pointing at the goats (small petting zoo at the farm) but refusing to go near them.
pumping water at the strawberry farm
trying to watch the water come out

it's been a busy week for us. i kept forgetting to post more pictures, and i know some of you are waiting with baited breath. :)

we went strawberry picking on monday, and i made my first batch of strawberry preserves. the problem is, they really turned out like strawberry ice cream topping. i didn't cook the strawberry mixture in a large enough pot (first time doing this, don't forget) and when i added the liquid pectin, it boiled up so high, and i burned my hand, and at that point, i couldn't do it anymore. so my guess is that i didn't boil it long enough. since that's what forms the gel so needed in this sort of thing.

but it's okay. i'll probably use it in muffins, and on ice cream, and oh yeah. in oatmeal. since it's so sweet, you just gotta mix it with plain oatmeal, and voila! strawberry oatmeal!

zoë discovered we have small wild strawberries in the backyard, and walked around all day on monday saying "pick strawberries?" we had to tell her not to eat the ones in the backyard, much to her disappointment. i'm transplanting my tomatoes soon, and the garden will get going, hopefully this week or so. and hopefully she won't eat those too.

we're still waiting to see what happens on the school front this summer. we were counting on my attending classes in may to ensure we had financial aid money to pay rent. now, with the delays we're facing because of lack of communication from college, i might not get to enroll until june. which is still fine, it just means more faith, and more tightly scheduled classes. i guess this is what we signed up for when we moved here, faith and planning.

we've got friends coming over this weekend, which has actually happened pretty much every weekend since we moved in. and i love it. to finally have our own place again, to truly feel like we belong. and i really do. there's so much i love about being here, not the least of which, is seeing zoë blossom into this sweet little independent girl, who wants to play in her room, and have us hide in her playhouse with her, and yet still wants her own space. she's growing up so quickly, and it's kinda bittersweet when we think what life will be like when i graduate in 2 years. or what zoë will be like in 4 years when spencer's done. to hope that we did a good job with her while trying to desperately make a change in our lives.

we're already making thanksgiving plans, hoping to get down to florida to see family. i think zoë will have a cow at the beach. she'll either love it or hate it, and i'm hoping for love.

all that said, we love our little house, in our little neighborhood, in our small southern town.

brent and michelle came out today, and we went for a nice long walk at the oconee river greenway... zoë loves going through the trees, and it was super pretty. she was also covered in dirt, and leftover catfish. ignore the mess, since she promptly got a bath when she got home.

i'm sharing some pictures of marlene and mom and the grandfolks that marlene sent me. enjoy! oh... plus a few of zoë playing in the backyard.

this week, zoë got to see her grammy, her aunt mimi, and her great grandma and her great grandpa! so needless to say, this has been a banner week. a room to run around, yelling "zoë's house!!!" at the top of her lungs, and seldom seen family visiting to boot!

where we live, we're about 20 minutes away from a major U.S. interstate, allowing us to drive over to a fairly large exit and see family who just happened to be passing through.

the sad part, is that i forgot my camera was in my purse the whole time we were hanging out with my mom and marlene. meaning, i have no pictures of that wonderful visit. and then today, we got to see my grandparents, who were driving up to raleigh to help my mom with her move. and i didn't get any pictures of zoë with grandma. because i was taking pictures for her with her camera. hahah. oh well. but i do have a couple of pics of the three of them together, and zoë and grandpa smiling for the camera.

it was so nice seeing family, on this side of the country. grandma and grandpa are living in nebraska, and are moving back to arizona pretty soon, within a few weeks if i'm remembering correctly. so i don't really get to see them a whole lot. so grandpa, grandma, if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will soon, it was so nice to see you, and i'm so glad you were able to stop for a little while in our corner of the world. zoë talked about you the whole drive home. and at bed time, wanted to know if great grandpa and great grandma had to go nye-night too. which i told her you did, since she would want to stay up too otherwise.

here's the few paltry pics i got.

oh. and living in athens is awesome. seriously awesome. i've been checking out the local grocery stores, and i've come across an italian specialty market, a middle eastern market, an asian foods store, and a really cool supermercado down the street from us. not counting the various co-ops and local grocery stores, i think i'm pretty well covered for exotic ingredients. and the farmers market hasn't even opened yet! we had huevos con chorizo for dinner, because i felt adventurous. and i'm just getting started!

here's the promised pictures. there's a lot, so get ready! :)
downtown gainesville, with the cherry trees



at our favorite coffee shop
eating mexican food with brent and michelle
a quilt i made for some friends who got married. it's huge!





snow! in april! that's not dandruff!


before we got started...

master bedroom
bedroom looking into kitchen
i love these door knobs!!

in the middle of the move

front porch
easter!
hunting for special eggs

"cheese!"

an easter snack
playing in her room, like such a big girl
the sink. i love that paint by numbers piece
pantry/island looking into living room
bathroom, with my beloved shower curtain (brown transferware style flowers, with turquoise sparrows)
loads of stuff to wash.
plants for the garden!
books, books and more books
the living room area
sharing the space with the office
my favorite girl, next to my favorite chairs and my 5 dollar coffee table.

we're alive!!

well, we're back. the house is a wreck, and i can't find anything. we're overrun with books, and no bookcases to speak of. i actually have no idea where the memory card adapter is that i bought. if i can't find it by wednesday, i can buy another one at best buy. so, no pictures currently. sorry!!

wednesday or thursday should have a nice large post. the kitchen is slowly coming together, and we're gradually unpacking the bedroom. i sincerely think it will take a month to really go through everything, and make sure we want to keep everything we're putting up.

i'm a little intimidated by the task, since i'm not a born organizer. but we have to be. the house is pretty small, but very very cozy. it felt like home immediately. and zoë apparently agrees, since she's been running around in her room, yelling "zoë's house! zoë's house!"... lots of toys are all over her bedroom floor, and she's loving every second of it.

we're not far from a train line, so we do hear trains everynight. well, and all day too. i'm already sleeping through it, and zoë's adjusting pretty quickly to them as well. poor spencer, being the light sleeper of the family, he's having a harder time. i'm hoping he adjusts in time as well.

it's been really rainy, and the first night we moved was awful. it poured rain during the entire 80 mile drive to athens, and a tornado followed spencer here. we have almost everything moved, we're still trying to empty the storage unit. i think it's a little better for us this way, even though it stinks as far as the round trip drive we have to do to actually GET to the storage unit. at least this way, we can go through all the things we're bringing before we get more. should be done within a week or so. thank the Lord.

and i know i flaked out on you, jenni, if you're reading this. i'm so sorry about that. i'm still so scatterbrained, and i lost your email address, and didn't charge my phone (since i couldn't find where the chargers were) and had no way of getting pics to you. i know it's gonna be awesome though.

so there's a quick update. pics to come, and there's a good bit of them. lots of fun to be had.

gratitude

welllll.... we signed the lease today. so we did it. we started over. i don't know if anyone else understands the magnitude of feeling we have right now, but it's overwhelming gratitude.

there's a song by a band we both really love, and the verse and chorus says this:
"When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go"

this is our anthem. this is most certainly the song our hearts are singing to the Lord.

oh. and i've got a few pictures of the house. we weren't able to get inside today, which is fine. the current tenant is still packing, and the house would seem teenier than it is. i think the backyard and the inside of the house are the same size. actually, i think the backyard is bigger. hah. and those big trees? pecan trees. so come this fall, you know what we'll be doing. eating a ton of pecan pies. the landlord is going to take a week to clean and pressure wash and do some repairs before we move in, so the house will look a little different when you see it again. but the amazing turquoise trim will still be there.

also. i will probably take a break from blogging until we get moved in. i promise i will have lots of pictures when we get back online, but i have 3 weeks to get a lot done. our move in date is set for the 11th, and we should be back as soon as internet is turned on in the house. hopefully by the 11th.

so, thank you. everyone who's been praying for us. i know the things that have transpired in our life are the direct result of prayer. we love you guys. a lot. and life on this blog is about to be very different. get ready. it's gonna be awesome.

i know i left everyone hanging with my doomsday post last week. but like i hoped, i have good news to share.

spencer's surgery went really well, and he and the oral surgeon are now working on a timeline to start his dental implants and all the surgeries involved.

we got a deposit from the state, equaling the amount spent on surgery. yay!

we got our car from the wonderful folks who gave it to us, and we've got wheels now.

we're going to be receiving unemployment benefits until july, which allows us to get into school this summer, and pay rent with it until we get our grants.

WE FOUND A HOUSE TODAY!! which is a bit of a miracle at this time of year in athens, since most places are pre-leasing for the fall. it's a little 2 bedroom house, downtown athens (i could ride my bike to school if i wanted to) with a fenced backyard, and central heat and air. which is also another miracle, since most of the places in our price range were pseudo-crack house looking places. seriously. we went to 3 places today that i wouldn't want to keep livestock in, and the rent was more than we'll be paying on our little place. we put down the deposit and sign the lease on saturday, but we won't be moving in until spencer's birthday. april 12th or thereabout. the current renter wants to move out the week of the 4th, and the landlord plans on getting into the house and touching up the paint, cleaning, and refinishing the floors. and she's already got a little spot weeded for a garden! hello tomatoes, here i come.

so, thank you so much. everyone who lifted us up this past week. we had some pretty awesome breakthroughs, and it only continues to cement our knowledge of a loving Father, who won't give us more than we can handle.

more pictures coming soon, i need to take some. and whenever the house is emptied, i'll post pictures of it. well, you might have to wait until we move in, but you'll get to see it. it's pretty small, but it's exactly what we need.

so, here we are again. after another long delay. in all honesty, all the changes and uncertainty in our life has made it pretty un-motivating for me to blog. as lame as that sounds, it's easier to hide my life from everyone when i'm ashamed of it. i know that almost everything that's happened this year isn't our fault, and there might have only been a few things we could have changed. at least i know it in my head. but who really likes to post pictures of their kid growing up at grandma and grandpa's house because they can't find work, can't afford a car, can't figure out what they're doing with their life. and so yeah, it's been easier not to post.

we were given a car last week, something that brought spencer and i a lot of hope. hope that we really are gonna get to start over. that our life is about to change. hope that we can use our tax money to put a deposit on an apartment, and really get on our own. until 3 days ago. when 2 of spencer's 3 remaining molars decided to go insane on him. he's not slept in 3 days, and the pain has been excruciating. i get so angry when this happens, because it's just not fair. he keeps losing tooth after tooth, and before long, there's gonna be nothing left. he's having surgery on monday, getting 2 more teeth removed. leaving him with 1 molar. just 1. and to pay for that surgery, since the 2 weeks we got of unemployment compensation this january made us ineligible for medicaid, we're having to use our deposit money. i'm so frustrated with everything right now. i know God is in control of all of this. i know this. but it's so hard to hang onto hope when every circumstance seems to thwart our ability to move on. supposedly, because spence's unemployment was put on hold for 2 months, we're going to receive those 8 weeks in a lump sum. which would repay the deposit money, and give us our chance to start over. without those 8 weeks, we're going to have to stay here longer, possibly miss the summer semester and move when we can save the money up again.

i know this isn't what you come here for. you come for sweet pictures of your grand-daughter, your great-grand-daughter, your cousins, family you've never met in person. but i'm so tired of hiding all these fears. and frustrations. pray for us. pray that we are able to move on with our life. instead of stuck in a borrowed bedroom, hoping to one day start over. pray for spencer's mouth. the situation is not good, and he is in constant agony from his mouth. even when his teeth aren't acting up, he's hurting all the time. i hate it. i can't even describe the fury i feel because of him being in pain. pray that for once, the red tape gets brushed aside, and we're able to get back the 8 weeks we should have already received. pray i learn to pray more, and whine less.

i'll be posting pictures of zoë soon. i need to upload them from the camera. and maybe next time you hear from me, we'll have better news to share.