it's getting cold outside!

so we're doing one last potty visit before bed... zoë's little all in one potty chair is perched on one of the kitchen chairs while she colors. anything to keep her on her chair as long as possible... earlier she was "driving the potty" around the house, scooting the chair all over the living room.

we'll see if it works.

it's shameful, right?

i haven't used my camera in 2 months. which is a shame, i know. i keep using the school thing as an excuse, but it really is a viable one. i don't know if my issue is because i'm taking more classes than i was this summer, or i'm just getting lazy. i do know that my frustration with my camera batteries leads to me not charging them, since they hold a charge for 20 minutes and then die again. after charging for 8 hours.

but all of that is secondary... eventually, i will get my act together, and start posting more pictures. until then, here's some zoë stories.

tonight, while eating chicken nuggets for dinner, she started throwing them on the ground. when i told her to stop, she replied "i'm playing 'keeball' with my nuggets!" apparently, our trip to chuck e cheese 2 months ago made a real impact.

we went to walmart after dinner to go pick up eggs and juice. what did zoë ask for the entire time? not candy, toys or treats. all the miniature pumpkins that were all over the store. my thought is, if the child wants to kiss her vegetables (she really does kiss them - the usual comment is "awwww, fweet punkins" followed by some cuddling and smooching) then i can oblige her.

she's still not potty trained, although we do spend a lot of time on the potty. lots of songs get sung in the bathroom, books get read, and i've even taken to letting her play in bowls of warm water (hands only, kinda like the sleepover pranks we used to pull when we were pre-teens). no luck yet, but i'm hoping we're getting there.

she rides her tricycle all over the house and driveway, cheers with her pom poms, and loves to watch "amimals" on the computer. we've got netflix, and i have the planet earth series checked out right now.

she's very aware of her night time routine, and whenever we're out after about 7:30, she starts asking to "go back to zoë's house. put on nightgown? brush teeth? read ima bunny (i am a bunny - house favorite around here) snuggle in momma poppas bed? go night in big girl bed?"... at least she knows what to expect.

she's got a play kitchen in her room, courtesy of grandma and grandpa, and when i'm cooking dinner, and tell her to stay away from the oven (i want her to stay in the habit of not trying to touch what's going on) she'll reply "i cook dinner in zoë's room. i cooking mac and cheese!"... i think if she had to pick one food to survive on, it would be mac and cheese.

and the songs. oh the songs. we sing endless songs, all day long. the itsy bitsy spider, deep and wide, if you're happy and you know it, matt redman's "you never let go" and the abc's are among just a few of our song samples. she knows the abc song, and can count to 15 without getting confused (she will go up to 20, but it's very out of order after 15). as far as recognizing letters, she's got W down pat. actually, she learned W about 6 months ago, before she could even sing the song. why, i don't know. but it just is.

so zoë is her silly "2 and half" year old self, and spencer and i are settled (settling, but more settled than we have been anywhere else) in our routine, and in our town. i still can't stand game days, since the art studios get shut down on game day. i feel like it's a bit unfair, as most of the art majors need access to the studio to do their work. it's not like the library gets shut down on game day. whatever.... i'm just complaining. my classes are going well, and i am seriously considering double concentrating. we'll see, after the spring semester my mind might change. i'm considering printmaking and fabric design as co-concentrates, but i need to take some sort of printmaking class first. the plan is to take one in the spring, and then go from there. it will require 2 extra semesters of work, but at this point, it's not going to make a huge difference, since my hope scholarship will run out long before i graduate.

i feel like, in a lot of ways, we're just trying to survive. when i'm not swamped with work from school, i do experience my usual existential crisis, of "who am i and what am i doing with my life?" but the work load is so heavy right now, all i can do is think about the present. i want to make sure all my decisions are brought before the Lord, and really examined to find His will, but so often i just slip through life without a thought. i want that to change. it's just tough to live a thoughtful life when you can barely keep your thoughts in your head.

whenever i get the camera squared away again, i'll take pictures of zoë, and pictures of my drawings. i can already see myself improving. and that's a good thing. now to see change in all the other aspects of my life.

i guess i completely forgot to mention it, in my joy of actually getting in. but i am an art major at uga now. ha. it was a big deal when i found out, and i can't believe i forgot to blog it.

here's those pictures.

and if there's any doubt we live in "bulldog country", let the first picture show that apparently, crazed rabid bulldog statues in walmart are the best way to show team spirit. seriously, that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while, and it's just hanging out on top of a display at wally world.

i'm bad, i know.

so what was supposed to be a short hiatus while i got pictures together turned into a month. during this month away from the blog, we went to charlotte to see mom and marlene, started school, and i started riding my bike 3 or 4 days a week. which i am loving immensely. in light of the fact that school has become a full time occupation for spencer and i (i go to classes in the mornings, and get home about 30 minutes before he leaves for class, and he's not home until 10 or so 2 nights a week) i don't have a whole lot of pictures. i know. i should be ashamed.

school is going well for both spencer and i. he's taking english, math, arabic and chinese. quite an ambitious schedule, and he's enjoying everything but math. i think it's the curse of people destined to be arts and humanities majors. math just isn't that appealing. i'm taking drawing 2, art history after the renaissance, intro to british culture (a hybrid literature/history class) and african american literature. i'm so thankful i don't have to take anymore math classes. yuck. drawing is intense, and most days i feel out of my depth. i'm sure that's due to not drawing consistently for 5 years. i'm hoping that by the end of the semester i won't feel like such a schmuck.

my 10 year high school reunion is coming up, and i'm not planning on going. at least, i wasn't. i was talking with one of my drawing class classmates about my feelings concerning the the reunion. he's 2 years older than me, and also back in school to work on his first undergrad degree. he encouraged me to go to my reunion, regardless of how i felt my life had progressed in the interim. i'm still feeling insecure about the path my life has taken, how i'm nearly 30, can't seem to lose all the weight i've gained since highschool, and back in college to finish a degree i should have finished 7 years ago. when i was explaining my reasoning for not attending, he said something that really stuck with me. he said "you're not getting graded on your life. don't be afraid of where you've gone with it." so i'm reconsidering attending. we'll see.

so zoë is getting so communicative now. she'll ask spencer at bedtime "papa sit in rockingchair for a few minutes?" or this little gem "zoë go swimming in swimming pool! zoë put on swim diaper." while taking off her clothes and attempting to remove her diaper. speaking of diapers, we're still in them. sigh. she'll tell us after the fact that she wants to sit on the potty. but never before the action actually takes place. i know that it's a matter of readiness, but what about maternal readiness? i'm trying to get her to sit on the potty at regular intervals, but it seems i always miss the window of opportunity. oh well.

so enough about us, i know it's time for pictures. i need to get some from marlene saved on my computer, so i'll post again with the pics later this afternoon. hopefully within an hour or so.

some pictures, and some still to come

i've got a few pictures to post, and i'm waiting on michelle to send me pics of last night's party as well. we had a christmas in july party at brent and michelle's house, which was lots of fun, and had way too much food. initially, we were anticipating more people present, but a lot of people bailed at the last minute. meaning more food for us. it was loads of fun, and is most likely going to become an annual tradition. i also have pictures of zoë hanging out with my friend suzanna's daughter linley, after a day of blueberry picking. suzanna has since gone on to have her second child, as she was nearly due when we met up. i'm impressed with her ability to keep functioning so late in her pregnancy as i was not quite so able while pregnant.

zoë is sitting across the table from me eating "bunny cerwewal" and asking me if "momma all done checka emal?" guess that's my cue.

at last....

so, thanks for sticking with me this month. film history was a lot more involved than i anticipated, and i had to create a portfolio of art to submit for acceptance into art school. it's 6:15 on the morning of my portfolio review, and i just finished the last pencil strokes of my self portrait. i've got an hour and a half before i have to get to school, and i'm feeling so relieved it's unreal.

the weight of creating art is something i had forgotten for a time, and it's a much different feeling than having a paper to write, or a test to study for. it feels like you're presenting so much more of yourself, more than just your ideas, but your skills, talents and worldview. to be honest, i feel like creating art is like stripping to your skivvies in front of a bunch of fitness nuts, and hoping they don't notice the cellulite. or the pencil strokes i forgot to erase, or the places i made the walls of my pots uneven. hoping they see the form underneath, the potential for greatness, even if i haven't done a situp in a year. or drawn in 5.

and to top off the creation anxiety, it's going to be judged, and used as the basis for my acceptance into uga's lamar doodd school of art. which according to the professors i had at gainesville state, is a rigorous process. i don't even know what to think, i just keep telling myself that it's out of my hands now. and it truly is. if they don't feel like i have the latent ability to continue on in art, it's okay. i'll be a happy little english major, and hope to score a librarian job or something someday.

the upside to all of this, is my return to the potters wheel. i've missed throwing pottery so much, and have so enjoyed the time in the studio i was able to carve out this month. if i don't get accepted, especially if i don't get accepted, i'll be at the studio still, throwing my little heart out. and i'm okay with that. it's really gonna be okay. i just have to keep telling myself this, i know it's gonna be okay.

as soon as i get some groceries bought today (we ran out of milk 3 days ago, and spencer just bought some last night out of desperation) i'll start taking pictures again. we've got a christmas party to attend on friday, and i will most definitely be documenting the festivities. what, you mean everyone doesn't throw a "christmas in july" party on july 31st every year? this is year one for the party, and i hope it continues to be a yearly tradition. since i think i've made my love of christmas manifest to all of y'all.

so, on that note, i'm off. i'm gonna go get coffee and an apple fritter, and haul my self to school, and then off to the review. updates soon, and pictures within a few days. and the news about art school in another 2 weeks or so.

kisses and hugs from all of us!

textual update, no pics yet

it's been nearly a month, but with school starting, and trying to get everything worked out for the fall, i've been really busy. i have an empty fridge, and no shopping list to fill it. which is pretty unusual for me.

i only have a few snippets of zoë to share, since i haven't really been taking pictures.

right now, she's siting in her high chair, under the guise of eating lunch, telling me "no check the email. no silly girl. no drinking coffee, drink tea. papa take a shower, papa take a nap. BEAR! chicken! shopping. juice! juice! baby eat chicken?no aunt shelly. no plate." and this was all in the last 2 minutes.

she's a ridiculously verbal little girl, and she's very fond of repeating whatever we say to her, with the word "no" in front of it.

she's got a big girl bed now, and so far so good. she stays in bed at night, and naptimes got moved later so she's actually tired enough to stay in bed. for the first 30 minutes or so of nye-night time, we have to go in, and put her back in bed, but it's usually only twice a night she's up playing before going to sleep.

alternating our schedule has been interesting, as i'm not a morning person by any stretch. my english lit class starts at 8, which means i'm up by 7 and out the door by 7:30. on the weekends i stay up way too late, and have to drink copious amounts of coffee to survive the class. spencer's enjoying most of his classes, although he's taking more hours than i am, and is feeling the intensity a bit more acutely.

i have a portfolio review coming up for UGA, to get into the art program this fall. i'm dreading it, to say the least. i think i've always been convinced that everyone else was a better artist than i, and it makes me not even want to make the attempt out of fear. but i can't ignore the Lord telling me to do this... whatever comes, i just want to say i obeyed.

i've got to draw a self portrait, and i'm not sure if i'm up for the task. you're hearing my myriad insecurities over my ability and talent, but i'm sure it's going to be fine in the end. i just need to be less afraid.

we're pretty settled into the house. the only thing left to work out is how to store the huge amount of books we own. we've got three bookshelves right now in the living room, but it's not enough. which is frustrating, since we really can't figure out where we could fit any others.

i have a english paper to write this weekend, but i'll try to get pictures taken... i need to charge the camera batteries, but i don't want to deprive anyone of their zoë fix. she's a sweet bundle of crazy, and she's so vocal. i wish she didn't clam up on the phone so badly.

long overdue, but no pictures.

when i was a freshman in high school, gawky, and strangely self assured, i ran on the track team. i wasn't really all that good, but i loved being part of a team, and competing against myself. because i really wasn't good enough to win any of the heats i ran in. one day stands out to me more than any other. we were running another meet, and i was running in the 100 meter dash. i wasn't even running the best heat, i was more in the "they're faster than walking, but not really our fastest runners" division. i remember the track, warm from the hot georgia sun, under my fingers. the anticipation in my legs as i got into the starting position, and then the gun. that day, i felt like i really was running. not just showing up for practice and hoping i could do the long jump instead. that day, it was like i felt it. a chance at winning. we sprinted down the track, a flurry of arms, legs and ponytails in the bright sunlight. i was in the 3rd lane from the inside, a decent starting position. and i couldn't see anyone in front of me. in a second of lapsed judgement, while running as fast as my legs would carry me, i looked to my left. and in that second, instead of taking 2nd place, i fell into 4th. i remember my coach telling me to quit looking at the other runners, later, once it was too late to apply the lesson. i had actually had a chance at coming in 2nd, maybe even 1st if i had pushed harder. but instead, i looked behind me.

i'm still that runner. still that foolish girl who looks at the places i was, the person i was, the person i was becoming, instead of looking at where i'm going. who i am. who i'm becoming.

i made myself a cup of hot tea this morning, and noticed we were out of half and half. i had a tiny bit of heavy cream left from a butter making experiment, so i added it to my tea. black tea, heavy cream, and raw sugar, suddenly became a steaming cup of chai in a blistering apartment in the backstreets of a sikh neighborhood in new delhi. the taste was so similar, the smell so much like the tea we drank then. and i felt this indescribable longing for the person i once was. when i was so sure of my path, and who i was going to be. i don't entirely like the path i've had to walk, and the person i've become while walking it. i don't feel like i'm running anymore. more like i'm just showing up to practice, and hoping not to get picked for any meets. because i can't run at all. i'm wandering the track, wishing someone would show me my lane. hoping not to get disqualified if i wander into someone else's lane. hoping the coach won't notice my longing to leave, and yet my overwhelming desire to run again keeps me here.

i'm about to register for classes at UGA. 10 years after graduating high school. and in many ways, i knew who i was more than i do now. i'm faltering in this journey, not because of hardship, but because of the lack of trials to focus on. i don't know which direction to go, and i wish i was the person i used to be. because who i am right now, was never what i wanted. i want to have passion back. to actually want to show up and run, instead of slinking into the back row of the bleachers, hoping not to get asked to sprint. i'm asking God who i'm supposed to be. because i don't know anymore. when i was a fresh faced girl, stepping off that plane in a hot new delhi night, i knew what i wanted. more than anything, i wanted to be there. i never wanted to leave the adventure of seeing God move in the earth. and i did anyway. 10 years later, i have many joys, and many regrets. and i'm tired of regretting things. i'm tired of wishing i had made better choices, wishing i had never strayed from the call i thought i heard so clearly. and not knowing how to answer the call i hear again. i hear Him calling me, to come up from the desert, and find Him. in the process, i'm hoping i'll find myself again. and find the strength to run.

in honor of another cool clear sunny day, we went for a walk yesterday. well, zoë went for a run, and we walked swiftly behind her yelling "zoë, come back! stay on the path! don't touch that, it's yucky!" and things like that. it was fun.

i'm about to pop round to the grocery store, but i thought you might want to see the results of the first sunny day in 2 weeks... or at least that's how it feels. it's been raining off and on for days, and i think we were all getting stir crazy. zoë relishes playing outside, and believe me, there have been not a few tears shed in the attempts to get outside. so today, at long last, she was able to run around in the sun. it was cool, breezy and perfect. i wish the weather was like this year round. it hardly feels like mid may, and it scares me a little. if the weather is this lovely, then what sort of awful summer are we headed for? hopefully not. dear Lord, hopefully not.

a little behind

nothing better than strawberries right off the vine. or plant.

looking pretty pleased with herself.

pointing at the goats (small petting zoo at the farm) but refusing to go near them.
pumping water at the strawberry farm
trying to watch the water come out

it's been a busy week for us. i kept forgetting to post more pictures, and i know some of you are waiting with baited breath. :)

we went strawberry picking on monday, and i made my first batch of strawberry preserves. the problem is, they really turned out like strawberry ice cream topping. i didn't cook the strawberry mixture in a large enough pot (first time doing this, don't forget) and when i added the liquid pectin, it boiled up so high, and i burned my hand, and at that point, i couldn't do it anymore. so my guess is that i didn't boil it long enough. since that's what forms the gel so needed in this sort of thing.

but it's okay. i'll probably use it in muffins, and on ice cream, and oh yeah. in oatmeal. since it's so sweet, you just gotta mix it with plain oatmeal, and voila! strawberry oatmeal!

zoë discovered we have small wild strawberries in the backyard, and walked around all day on monday saying "pick strawberries?" we had to tell her not to eat the ones in the backyard, much to her disappointment. i'm transplanting my tomatoes soon, and the garden will get going, hopefully this week or so. and hopefully she won't eat those too.

we're still waiting to see what happens on the school front this summer. we were counting on my attending classes in may to ensure we had financial aid money to pay rent. now, with the delays we're facing because of lack of communication from college, i might not get to enroll until june. which is still fine, it just means more faith, and more tightly scheduled classes. i guess this is what we signed up for when we moved here, faith and planning.

we've got friends coming over this weekend, which has actually happened pretty much every weekend since we moved in. and i love it. to finally have our own place again, to truly feel like we belong. and i really do. there's so much i love about being here, not the least of which, is seeing zoë blossom into this sweet little independent girl, who wants to play in her room, and have us hide in her playhouse with her, and yet still wants her own space. she's growing up so quickly, and it's kinda bittersweet when we think what life will be like when i graduate in 2 years. or what zoë will be like in 4 years when spencer's done. to hope that we did a good job with her while trying to desperately make a change in our lives.

we're already making thanksgiving plans, hoping to get down to florida to see family. i think zoë will have a cow at the beach. she'll either love it or hate it, and i'm hoping for love.

all that said, we love our little house, in our little neighborhood, in our small southern town.

brent and michelle came out today, and we went for a nice long walk at the oconee river greenway... zoë loves going through the trees, and it was super pretty. she was also covered in dirt, and leftover catfish. ignore the mess, since she promptly got a bath when she got home.